


The Gang Takes an Active Stance Towards Immigration Reform (or, Dee and Charlie's Green Card Marriage)

by pentaceratopsian



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Fake Marriage, M/M, not quite slow burn but close, probably some light macdennis later on
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-09
Updated: 2018-09-01
Packaged: 2019-05-20 00:54:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14884536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pentaceratopsian/pseuds/pentaceratopsian
Summary: After witnessing a protest over the struggles and abuses faced by immigrant families, The Gang decides to do something to help the cause. As per usual, no one can agree what the best course of action is: directly infiltrate a detention center or offer their hands in green card marriage in exchange for sweet, sweet cash? A few questionable choices later and suddenly, the Gang winds up in an investigation into a suspiciously timed, hastily performed wedding. How are they gonna get out of this one without going to jail?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello hello and welcome to my very first IASIP fanfic! Dear god, I can't believe I'm doing this, and over CHARBITCH of all things. I got this idea while I was mowing grass at work and it never left my head. I came into this stupid pairing from the hallowed halls of Newmann shippers on blue hellsite and I stayed to take a risk and write some fic. I'm using this fic as a means of trying to force myself to get back into publishing fanfic and keeping up with it and NOT SHYING AWAY FOR ONCE. I'm never gonna make it as a writer if I can't get over this shy overprotective thing, you know?
> 
> Anywhooo, I hope you enjoy. I'll try to keep this updated on a semi-consistent schedule. If the formatting is wonky, please let me know. I haven't posted on AO3 very much and the stuff I did post I kinda slapped together at the strong insistence of my GF so I wasn't, uh, really paying attention. Otherwise, happy reading!

On a Wednesday….

 

 The door to the small, gray, windowless interview room opened and closed and into the room stepped a figure that did not match the intimidating space. She was short, fat, wore a comfortable looking plush blue sweater, and carried a thick manila folder. She walked around to the other side of the table. The two men opposite her stood.

“I’m sorry for your wait,” she said as she dropped her folder on the table and extended her hand. “I’m Investigator Willard and I’ll be conducting your interview. You must be the Kellys!”

“That’s us, yep! I’m Charlie and this is my husband. Who I love. Lots.” Charlie took her hand and shook it too hard, then quickly took the hand of the taller, more polished-looking man in a lab coat standing beside him. He resisted the impulse to instantly pull away. His companion's palms were sweaty.

“Dr. Kelly,” said the other man as he shook her hand. “Pleasure to meet you. I apologize for my husband’s…. enthusiasm.”

“Please. Have a seat.” She gestured toward their chairs and took her own seat, subtly attempted to wipe her right hand on her pants, then opened her file.

“So, before we get started, let me just run down how this interview is going to go. We’re here because the veracity of your marriage has been called into question. As you know, our officers find the timing of your marriage suspicious given the imminent expiration of Dr. Kelly’s visa at the time it occurred. I’m going to ask you a few questions about your relationship, we’ll look at some of your history, then I’ll contact your references for their testimonies and we’ll go from there. Does that sound good?”

“Yes,” said Dr. Kelly.

“Oh yeah,” said Charlie at the same time, shaking his head. “Not a problem, dude. Hey, we even cut out the middle man: our witnesses are waiting in the lobby right now.”

“Oh! That’s, um, that’s not really-“

“They heard what happened and they couldn’t just sit there, you know, while true love is being contested. It’s fine, it’s fine, you probably won’t even need them anyway. I mean, I think, I think you’re gonna find our love is just that strong, right babe?” He gave Dr. Kelly’s hand a squeeze.

“Absolutely,” said Dr. Kelly dryly.

“Well, um, that’s great, I guess.” The investigator picked up the stack of papers within the file, shuffled them around, produced a specific form, and grabbed a pen from her breast pocket.

“Okay. So, lets start from the beginning. How long have you known each other?”

“Oh, dude, years. Like, lots of years.”

She narrowed her eyes. “Can you be more specific?"

“Charlie and I met five years ago,” replied Dr. Kelly. He straightened in his seat, crossed his legs and rested his hands on his knee. “I was a visiting professor at the University of Pennsylvania. He participated in one of my experiments.”

Charlie laughed. “Yeah, this dumb science bitch tried to make me smart and shit. It did _not_ work at all.” He looked over at Dr. Kelly, who was not smiling. “I mean that in the most loving way possible,” Charlie hurriedly added.

“He was your test subject? Isn’t that against codes of ethics?”

“Our relationship began after that experiment had concluded.”

The investigator took notes. “I see,” she said, eyebrows raised and mouth pressed into a thin line. Dr. Kelly looked nervously between the investigator and Charlie.

“About how long after this experiment would you say your relationship began?”

“Two, uh, years.“

“Two years,” said Dr. Kelly at the same time.

The investigator tapped her pen against her paper. “Two years?”

“Yeah, see, I own this bar with my best friends. Paddy’s Pub, you might’ve heard of us. I was in there, minding my own business, bashing some rats when suddenly he just walks in there. I was like ‘ohhh, shit! I know you! You’re that science bitch!’ And he was like-“ here, Charlie adapted a very bad English accent, ‘’-’Yes, it’s me! I’m a big gay science man and I think you’re cute, can I buy you a drink at your own bar which you own?’ And I mean I, I can’t just turn that down, you know? It’s not every day you meet someone who looks at you, bashing rats, covered in their blood and guts and still wants to bang you.”

“Bashing… rats? Do you mean… do you mean that you were physically killing rats the day your relationship began?!” The investigator wrinkled her nose.

“Oh yeah, dude! What else would I be doing?” Charlie scoffed. “Rats don’t just bash themselves. No one else is gonna do it!"

“I don’t want to take all the romance out of this lovely story,” said Dr. Kelly, “but allow me to clarify. It didn’t all happen immediately. I stopped in to Paddy’s out of curiosity four months after the experiment took place. Charlie and his colorful gang left a very large impression on me and I wondered how they were all doing. Charlie was taking a break from his maintenance duties and we had a nice chat. I found him strange and fascinating ever since the first moment I saw him trying to beat that lab rat over the head with a Bunsen burner and I wanted to get to know him more once the experiment concluded. I asked if I could see more of how he lived, try to understand him a little better. He invited me out to feed the colony of feral cats he cares for outside of his flat that night. I found him so strange and endearing that I kept coming back. We became fast friends, but I began to find there was something else there.

“We weren’t always in close proximity, so it took a long time for our relationship to, erm, blossom. My position requires a lot of travel, so I was often in and out of town. But I knew almost immediately that we had something, that I had feelings for him.” He glanced at Charlie and smiled stiffly, then patted his hand. “And one day, after about two years of the back-and-fourth, I asked him on a proper date-“

Charlie laughed. “Oh yeah, to Guigino’s! And he was all-“ again, Charlie assumed his bad English accent, “-‘Oi, luv, fancy going on a date?’ And I was like, ‘uh, what the hell do you think we’ve been doing this whole time?’ See, I thought we were already going out, because, like, why else would someone wanna spend all that time with me? I’m a weird guy. It’s gotta be some… some kinda sex thing! And anyway, he was all surprised and we went out and, y’know, one thing lead to another, now we’re here being questioned! About the truth of our love! Well, I’ll tell you _what_ , sister, _I. Love. This. Man.”_

“Please, darling,” said Dr. Kelly with a pat on Charlie’s shoulder, “there’s no need to yell. We’ll get through this.” Charlie settled into his seat. The interviewer was taken aback momentarily, then bowed her head to furiously scribble something on her piece of paper. Charlie and Dr. Kelly exchanged glances. Charlie pointedly winked at him, earning himself a small disapproving shake of the head.

“I uh, I even have pictures from that night!” Charlie reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell phone. “I have all kinds of pictures of us. See?” He practically shoved the phone in her face. “I have a whole folder of us.” He took the phone back and went searching inside of his folder, which was titled with two emojis: a scientist and a heart. It took him a moment of scrolling, but he located the image at the very top of the digital stack. “Here, see?!”

He offered the phone to the investigator once again. She took it from his hands. The image depicted a stiffly posed and uncomfortably smiling Dr. Kelly dressed as though he’d just stepped out of the lab on one side of a table and a slightly sweaty, disheveled, dirt-covered Charlie on the other, smiling with half-shut eyes and flushed cheeks, wearing a pale yellow button-down and a wide tie. The photo was taken by a third party.

“That's us on our date, taken by my friend Mac.” Charlie reached across the desk, grabbed the phone, swiped to the left, and handed it back. “And this one is us at the bar after; we’re drinkin’, y’know, doing our thing.” In this photo, the two were shoulder to shoulder, toasting the camera with two bottles of beer. He grabbed the phone again and swiped. The investigator huffed in annoyance as she took the phone back, greeted this time by an image of a smiling bearded man with slicked back hair in a Hawaiian shirt, beaming and pointing behind him at Dr. Kelly and Charlie embracing with closed eyes. “Mac took that one while we weren’t paying attention. See, it’s all there, you can see it!”

The investigator set the phone back down on the desk facing Charlie.

“Alright,” she said. “Tell me more.”

 

 

FOUR MONTHS PREVIOUSLY…

 

 

“HEYOOOOOOO, what’s up, bitches?”

Dee was ignored as she sauntered into the bar. Mac, Frank, and Charlie were huddled around the television in the corner, watching intently.

“What? What’s going on? What’s so interesting?”

Mac, who had an arm out pointing his cell phone at the TV, turned around and loudly shushed her. Incensed, she shoved her way between him and Charlie to see what was on. The gang was watching the news, wherein a special report covered a mass protest in the city over the rights of immigrants. A reporter approached a young protestor with a microphone.

“All we’re saying is that it’s inhumane,” said the young woman. “You can’t just take kids from their families like that and make them disappear! You can’t just shove people into warehouses. You can’t just say this country, founded on the backs of immigrants, isn’t willing to take in these disenfranchised people. You can’t say ‘land of the free, home of the brave’ and then put an asterisk there, y’know, ‘except if you’re brown!’ We’re just out here trying to defend these people. Boost up their voices! Save some lives! ICE is a menace and needs to be disbanded!”

The gang tutted, shook their heads, and looked at the screen with pity.

“It really is fucked up,” said Frank.

“Oh yeah,” “Mmhmm,” “Totally,” replied Mac, Charlie, and Dee at the same time.

“Without a doubt,” came a voice from Mac’s phone. Dee looked at it for the first time in detail since she walked in and realized that he was on a video call.

“Dennis!”

"Dee. Where’ve you been?” Mac switched from his external camera to his internal camera so that Dennis could see himself and Dee. Dennis had his babbling son in his lap, bouncing him on his leg.

“I was out running errands.”

“You were getting smokes and snacks again, weren’t you?"

“…I don’t see why you should care.”

“Oh, I don’t. In fact, no one does. I don’t know why I even asked.”

Dee rolled her eyes and began to open her mouth, but Dennis kept on talking. “Let’s bring it back to this immigrant thing. You know, I think there’s something we could be doing about this. Well, I say ‘we,’ but I mean you. ”

“I think you’re right,” said Frank. “You know what I think we should do? We should go sneak into the nearest detention center and at least bust the kids out.”

Mac pumped a fist triumphantly. “Yes! I am all about this, dude. We could be heroes!”

“Dude, we could be _huge_ fucking heroes,” agreed Charlie.

“We’re gonna bust in there like _pow_ -“ here, Mac did several karate chops.

“Stop jerking the phone around. I can’t see shit, “ said Dennis.

“Yeaaaah, that’s what I’m talking about! And then I’ll come in behind you and just-“ here, Charlie mimed throwing punches.

“You guys are complete idiots,” said Dee. “In what way do you think that plan’s gonna work? At best, you’ll get tazed and thrown in a cell. This is the _government_ we’re talking about here!”

“I can’t believe I’m saying this,” said Dennis, “but Dee’s right. No, I don’t think this is the solution. It’s flashy, sure, and it gets you lots of attention, but I think we can do this _smarter_. You wanna save some lives? I think it’s time to start settling down.”

“What do you mean, settle down? This is kids’ lives we’re talking about here, bro! We need to get FIRED UP,” said Mac.

“No, you dipshit, I mean I think you guys should look into green card marriages.”

Frank nodded enthusiastically. “Oh, I like that idea too. You know, those go for about $20,000 on the black market. I know a guy who can help us get set up!”

“$20,000? Like, we pay $20,000 to get married to some stranger? Screw that,” said Dee.

 “No, no, _you_ get paid $20,000 by the desperate chump who wants to marry ya!”

“….Oh. Oh that changes things. I would like $20,000,” Dee said. “I would like $20,000 a lot.”

“I mean, yeah… but you know what? I’d rather do the kid thing,” said Mac.

“Yeah, it just feels better. I feel better about it,” said Charlie.

“Kids are the future,” said Mac.

“ _Kids are the future_!”

“Lets get out there and save some KIDS, dude!”

“Yeah!!!”

Mac and Charlie high-fived, then began to walk out of the bar. Dennis began to complain, but Mac mashed the button to end the call.

“Wait, where are you two going,” exclaimed Dee. “You’re not about to just seriously _walk into a detention center_ , are you?!”

Neither Mac nor Charlie answered and continued to walk away, excitedly chattering about their future heroic actions. Dee’s mouth gaped and she sputtered. Frank shook his head.

“Welp,” he said, “I better go after them.” He began to leave.

“Wait, Frank, not you too!”

“Yeeeep. I’m going.”

“I thought you wanted to do Dennis’s marriage thing?”

“Ehh, I don’t need the money, I’ve got much more profitable ventures going on on the side anyway. And Mac’s right, the kid thing just feels better. Besides, they’re gonna get themselves killed without me helping them. Here, I’ll give you the number of my guy. They’ll get you set up with some candidates.” Frank walked up to the bar, grabbed a napkin, scribbled down a phone number, and handed it off to Dee before turning on his heel and leaving the bar.

Dee stood staring at the napkin like a confused goldfish for a moment. She hesitantly picked up her phone.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> couple of quick things:  
> 1\. frank's "guy"? isn't necessarily a guy....  
> 2\. i'm like, really stunned by the positive response this fic has gotten so far. thank you so much! i hope y'all continue to enjoy it.

“Tell me more about your engagement,” said the investigator. “Who asked whom? How long did it take you to come to the decision to ask?”

“We were out on a date,” began Dr. Kelly. “We went on a long walk-“

 “We went ice skating,” said Charlie at the same time.

“ _Honey_ ,” said Dr. Kelly as he glared at Charlie, “I think you’re getting confused. Let me tell the story.”

 “No, dude, _you’re_ confused. I asked you to marry me after we went skating. I was helping you ‘cause, frankly, you suck at it, and then you lost your balance and you made us both fall, remember? And we laughed really hard about it and you were just, just _so… handsome_ or whatever that it slipped out of my mouth! How could you forget that?”

“I... I didn’t forget,” Dr. Kelly quickly stammered. His eyes widened in surprise as he stared at Charlie.

 “Are you sure? Because it seems like there’s some disagreement about how you became engaged. You don’t need me to tell you that seems suspicious,” said the investigator.

“No, no, that’s not it at all,” said Dr. Kelly. He threw his hands up and chuckled. “You see, I was thinking of a _different_ time-“

“A different time you got engaged to Mr. Kelly?”

“Yes, precisely. Well! Wait! No, I don’t mean it like that. I mean that there was a time, erm-“

“Ohhh,” said Charlie, “you were thinking of that time we went on that walk and you were just in such a weird lovey mood you were like, ‘dude, we should get married,’ and I was like, ‘dude, we already _are_ gonna get married,’ and you were just so excited about it you had to ask me again!”

Dr. Kelly chuckled again. “Yes, yes of course, darling!”

The two smiled at each other fondly. As soon as the investigator bowed her head once again to make a note on her form, their expressions changed drastically. Charlie mouthed, “what the fuck,” at Dr. Kelly. Dr. Kelly shrugged, mouthing back, “sorry.” Charlie rolled his eyes.

“You see,” said Dr. Kelly without looking away from Charlie, “I think he and I have known for quite some time that we were meant to be. I’d been quietly hoping for weeks that he would ask.”

“Which is funny,” said Charlie, “because I was thinking the same thing.”

“Yes, I suppose we were doing a sort of will-they, won’t-they dance around the issue before that night. It was his best friend that we actually have to thank for making it finally happen.”

Charlie nodded. “Yeah, Mac arranged it all.”

“He set us up on that date. He managed to get free admission passes to the ice rink and outright begged for us to use them, saying that we were, what was it? Insufferable?”

“Driving everyone crazy,” confirmed Charlie.

“Yes, he said we were being too—“

“Clingy and annoying around the rest of the Gang,” said Charlie.

“—So he arranged for us to go on that date to ‘get out of their hair,’ as it were, and its all thanks to him that we finally got engaged.” Dr. Kelly nodded and looked at the investigator once again. Her eyes narrowed and she quickly looked from Charlie to Dr. Kelly and back.

“This ‘Mac’ person, he’s figured into a lot of your stories so far.”

“Well, yeah,” Charlie scoffed.

“Charlie has a very involved group of friends,” said Dr. Kelly. “They all do everything together, his ‘Gang.’ It’s a little concerning how much time they spend together, to be honest.”

“And you are often involved with them too, I take it?"

“Naturally, yes.”

“Do you ever see your _own_ friends, Dr. Kelly?”

“Well- well, erm, yes, it’s just that… it’s just that—“

“Mine are way closer,” said Charlie. “All of his best friends are back in England. And his work friends are just _the worst_! They’re so _boring_ , all they do is talk about science and research and- and like, their long _papers_ and what their _lab samples_ are doing. Who cares, you know?! My friends, see, we’re all about action. We go do stuff. We have fun, right, babe?"

“Precisely,” said Dr. Kelly.

“So then, neither of you mind how involved Mr. Kelly’s friends are in your own private lives?”

“Nah,” said Charlie.

“Not particularly,” said Dr. Kelly.

“I find that bizarre,” said the investigator.

 

 

FOUR MONTHS PREVIOUSLY

 

 

Dee walked into the bar. She almost turned around and left again when she was immediately confronted with the sight of three uniformed cops sitting at a table, arguing loudly with one another with their backs facing her. The muffled sounds of a child screaming and an adult trying to speak to it soothingly could be heard coming from the direction of the table.

“What the hell is going on he-- _ohhh_ my god, you idiots actually went and joined ICE!”

The rest of the Gang collectively turned toward Dee.

“And you’re all already in uniforms? With badges?! What the hell did you pull? It’s been three days! It’s not that easy, it can’t be that easy!”

“Oh, but it was,” said Frank.

“ICE officers are cops! You have to go through training and shit. That takes months! And forms! And background checks! There is no _possible way_ — you—you—you sons of bitches!! _How are you not in jail right now_?!”

“It’s not important,” Mac began.

“No, it’s important! It’s definitely important!”

“More important than the two families we got crammed in the office?” asked Frank.

Dee’s eyes went wide. “ _Two families_?”

“Oh yeah, Dee, you shoulda been there,” said Charlie. “We literally just _walked right in_ and they were about to separate these two families, and Frank? Frank just straight up _stole them_.”

Frank chuckled. “I did! I walked right up to the officer interrogating ‘em and I said, ‘hey, let me handle this one. Go get some coffee, go take a break.’ And he did! So I rounded up the families and said ‘follow me’ and I busted them out of there! Drove straight back here.”

Dee was so stunned she could only make incoherent noises in response.

“Dude, Frank’s a _natural_ at this. I have no idea how he managed to convince the guy to just walk off so easily. But now we gotta figure out what to do from here,” said Mac. “We can’t just release them back on the streets. And they’re still terrified, I think they think we’re holding them hostage?”

“Yeah, it would probably help if any of us spoke Spanish,” said Charlie.

Frank and Mac muttered in agreement.

“Oh my god,” said Dee. “Just. Oh my god.”

 “Alright I’m back,” said a somewhat distant-sounding voice coming from the direction of the table, “What’s going on? Hey, is anyone there? Dammit, Mac. Why do you always put the phone down when something’s happening? Why do I even bother calling you?!”

“Oh, shit,” said Mac. He turned back toward the table, picked up his phone, and held it screen-side out toward Dee.

“Dee’s back,” he said excitedly.

“Where the hell have you been _now_?” asked Dennis in exasperation. “You haven’t been kidnapping entire families too, have you?”

“I was doing the marriage thing,” she said smugly. “Unlike these assholes, I’m not out to get myself locked up for forever. I’m going to get _paid_.”

“The marriage thing! Finally, a voice of reason!”

“That’s right! I got a guy. He’s on his way here now to rendezvous. We’re gonna hash out the details and _none of you bitches are gonna get in the way_.”

“Of course not,” said Dennis. “We’ve all known for years that the only way anyone would ever, _ever_ marry you is through an act of sheer desperation. Why would any of us try to stop the inevitable?”

“I’m a little surprised it didn’t happen sooner,” said Charlie.

“Isn’t it crazy to think that you, Frank, and Dennis all got involved in sad, fake, broken marriages before she did?” asked Mac.

Charlie, Frank, and Dennis all agreed simultaneously.

“Okay, okay, I get it! I get it, I’m _sooo_ sad and _soo_ pathetic. Hey, at least I’m not kidnapping entire families!”

“It’s not kidnapping, Dee!”

And with this, the Gang began to loudly argue over one another. No one noticed the door opening or a man walking sheepishly into the bar. He looked utterly out of place at Paddy’s with his slicked down hair, his neatly pressed and buttoned shirt, his nice jeans. The newcomer first frowned at the arguing group in the middle of the room, then began to look all around with squinted eyes. He was looking for a woman and the only one here, at present, seemed to be the gangly blonde screaming at the group. He swallowed and decided to approach.

“Erm, excuse me,” he said, but was ignored. He tried again slightly louder, but was still ignored. He tapped on the woman’s shoulder. She swung around angrily. He recoiled.

“What the hell do you want?!”

“You wouldn’t happen to be Dee Reynolds, would you?”

“Yeah. What’s it to you?”

He extended his hand to shake. “I’m your new fiancé.”

Frank and Mac burst out laughing. Charlie’s face screwed up in confusion.

“ _Holy shit_ , Dee,” said Mac.

"You got a _white guy_? From _England_? You couldn’t even do this right,” said Frank.

“Hang on a second,” began Dennis.

“Oh fuck,” interrupted Charlie. He pointed at the man. “I know you! You’re that science bitch!”

Recognition dawned in the man’s eyes, followed quickly by dread. “Oh, _of course_ ,” he said. “It’s you lot! You ruined my experiment! After what you did during my presentation, I was the laughingstock of the entire faculty for months. Oh, I knew I shouldn’t have trusted that Artemis woman! Forget it. Forget this! I’d rather be deported.” He began to walk away.

“Wait, wait, nononono, hoooold up, buddy.” Dee grabbed him by the shoulders and turned him back toward the group. “You aren’t going anywhere. See, you need this and I need your money, so we’re gonna put the past behind us and get married, mmkay?” The man shrugged his shoulders in an attempt to free them from her grasp.

“Holy shit,” said Dennis. “You know? This is a level of sad I never thought she’d reach, but here we are. Even the man she tried to hire to marry her won’t marry her now. It’s astounding.”

“Shut up, Dennis,” Dee yelled, “just shut up!”

Dennis scoffed. “It’s not like it would have worked anyway.”

“Yeah, look at them! They don’t go together at all,” said Mac. “Who would believe someone smart like him would go for someone dumb like her?”

“He’s not that smart though,” said Charlie.

“No, you’re just beyond help,” said Dennis. “Although… hang on, I just had a thought. This plan, this marriage thing… it’s not going to work with this guy and Dee. You can already tell they’ve got no chemistry. They’ve got no spark. Dee’s never had a romantic relationship that’s lasted more than a week, so how will anyone believe she’s been with this guy for ages? But I can think of someone el-”

 “That’s bullshit! I’ve been involved with plenty of people and, and, and sometimes it worked out fine. You know, who are _you_ to be passing that kind of judgment anyway? You couldn’t handle being married for real for three days!”

“Which is still three more days than you, bitch. You really think you can pull this off? Okay then. So let’s say this marriage happens. Now let’s say one of your ICE pals rolls up to the door, only it’s not Mac or Charlie or Frank. It’s some random hardass with a pedo mustache. He’s mad. He’s after your husband. Except… he’s not home! Because he doesn’t actually live with you. Because it’s a sham. How are you going to defend yourself?”

“Please! I’ll act my way out of it.”

“Will you, Dee? _Will you_?”

“Yes!”

“Okay. So let’s pretend I’m an investigator and I’m coming after you. You’ve got one chance to convince me you’re really in love with this guy. Go.”

“Psh, okay. Whatever.” Dee puffed out her chest and straightened her spine. She adopted a slightly higher pitched voice. “Helloooo,” she began, “I think you’ll find that--- _hurk_.”

“Mm? What was that, sis?”

She furrowed her brow. “Me and-- _hargh_. We’re— _gurgh_.”

Mac gagged. “Dammit, Dee, you know doing that triggers my gag reflex! You’re a terrible actress! Stop trying!”

“That’s right,” said Dennis smugly. “You’re a terrible actress.”

“All the more reason for me not to go through with this I think,” said the scientist. “I’m going to go now, but this has been enlightening. Thank you for your consideration, Dee, but I’ve got a lot of things to pack if I’m going to be forced to leave the country.” He began to turn away again.

“Wait, Mr. Science Bitch, sir, if I may,” said Dennis. “I think we may still be able to help you.”

The scientist stopped. “Haven’t you been listening? I don’t want your help. And don’t call me that!”

“Okay, Mr. Bitch, sorry. Whatever.”

The scientist rolled his eyes hard. “What? What could you possibly be able to do short of miraculously hiring me for a new research position and dodging around immigration’s glacially paced processes to get me a new visa and allow me to stay here?”

“We can still get you married,” said Dennis. “To Charlie.”

“What?!” said the group collectively.

“Dude, how the hell would marrying me instead of Dee help?!”

“It’s easy. You two have history.”

“No we don’t,” said the scientist defensively.

“Sure you do. You met years ago. You know who each other are. You know enough about each other that the truth wouldn’t be as hard to stretch as with Dee, who is virtually a stranger. Then there’s also the fact that Charlie has already been married. To Frank, specifically. And what kind of person is Frank?”

“Rich?” suggested Dee.

“My roommate?” said Charlie.

“Bad?” guessed Mac. Frank frowned, shrugged, then gave a small nod.

“A man! He’s a man! So there’s some precedent there. If immigrations gets suspicious, Charlie already has a history of being married to a man, so on paper at least, it would make sense for him to do it again. Dee’s never had even a vague concept of being married.

“Yeah, but Dennis, that only lasted like, two days bro,” said Charlie. “You don’t think they’d see through that?”

“Maybe so,” said Dennis, “but you aren’t gonna throw up all over a cop and make the situation worse if you have to lie, so you’d still have a better chance of making this work.”

Mac leapt from his seat. “Dude. I’m in. I’m doing the marriage thing now. We’re gonna make this happen.”

“Absolutely not,” exclaimed the scientist. “I haven’t agreed to anything!”

“No! Don’t do this to me, you bastards!” yelled Dee.

“What about the kids?” asked Frank.

“Yeah, and don’t I get a say in this?!” asked Charlie.

“The kids? They’ll probably be fine,” said Mac with a dismissive wave of a hand. “But if we’re gonna do this, you’re gonna need an authority on gay issues to make the whole arrangement look legit.”

“They really wouldn’t—“ began Dennis.

“And since I'm the resident gay here and obviously an expert on gay matters,” interrupted Mac, “this falls to me.”

“You’ve only been out for a few months! How does that make you an expert?!” said Charlie.

“You wouldn’t understand. See? That’s why it’s important I’m here helping you, because you clearly don’t get the gay experience at all. We’ve got a long way to go to make this seem legit.”

“This is absolutely ridiculous,” said the scientist. “You people are mad!”

“Great, it’s settled then! You’re doing the marriage thing,” said Dennis.

“No, we aren’t,” said the scientist.

Charlie sighed. “Fine, I’ll marry the science bitch. But I gotta get something out of this.”

“Why are you just going along with it?! Don’t you have a mind of your own? Are any of you even listening to me?!” asked the scientist.

"You’ll get his money,” said Mac.

 “No, no, no, NO,” said the scientist. "Where is this idea that I have a lot of money even coming from? I'm an academic!"

“Fuck this,” said Dee. “Frank, get me a uniform. I’m doing the kid thing now. I’ll see all of you dumb bitches in jail! Have fun with this,” she said, pointing rapidly between Charlie and the scientist. “Have fun trying to make this happen.” She stalked away from the group. Frank got up and followed her.

"You’ll get on any insurance he gets at his next job too,” said Dennis. “Isn’t that why you married Frank in the first place?”

“Oh yeah, it is!”

“See? It’s a win-win. Mr. Bitch, you’ll get to stay in the country permanently and do your weird useless science shit and Charlie will get benefits,” said Dennis.

The scientist opened his mouth to protest. He was immediately cut off by Mac.

“Are we good now? Good! We’ve got a lot of work to do.” He then put his phone in his pocket (which caused Dennis to start complaining that he couldn’t see anything), grabbed Charlie by the collar, grabbed the scientist by the sleeve, and pulled them toward a booth to begin plotting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. Mac has always kind of struck me as the type who would be a helicopter mom if he had kids. I think he'd be really, really into planning a wedding for two dudes, especially now that he's out. My whole concept of his character at this stage of things is that he's both still coming to terms with being out (internalized homophobia doesn't just go away because your dildo bike won you $10,000, sadly) and he secretly wants to be the set of parents he never really had, to be better than them and shit.  
> 2\. I love Artemis and I wanted to give her a role in my fic, so she's frank's guy. She'll show back up later. I hope I can write her somewhat believably lol. I strive to try to keep things relatively in character.  
> 3\. Posting shit reaaaaally makes me nervous oh man.  
> 4\. Again, so happy y'all are enjoying this so far! My next chapter might be a little short and might break the form a little bit, but it'll be right back to normal after. Unless that doesn't wind up happening. We'll see.  
> Until next time!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so, SO sorry for the huge gap in updates. I had a whole *bunch* of things happen that I couldn't predict and lost all of my momentum. I'm coming back to it tonight with a new chapter, hot off the presses! Like I said last time, this one's a little... different. It's kind of more an extension of the last chapter I guess? We'll be back to form next chapter. A lot of things have finally started settling down again in my personal life, so hopefully there won't be such a gigantic delay.

Frank stared at the ceiling above the pull-out couch. He found himself tonight at the edge of the bed- an unusual occurrence. The room was filled with snores loud enough to wake the dead. Not knowing what else to do, Frank sat up and looked at Charlie.

“Charlie. Hey, Charlie,” he whispered. Charlie didn’t stir. He faced away from Frank, pointed at the opposite wall. “C’mon, I know you’re awake.”

“Go to sleep, dude,” Charlie replied, voice slightly above a whisper.

“I _can’t_. I know you can’t either.”

Charlie sighed and rolled over, propping himself up on his forearm. “What?”

“I think we should talk about the _elephant in the room_ ,” Frank said. “Look, I’m really happy for you, getting in on this scheme with this guy, getting married again, but-“

“Oh no, Frank, don’t tell me you’re _jealous_ of the guy.”

"Jealous? Who said anything about _jealous_? I just think… well, he’s gonna come between us. Hell, he already _is!_ We got somethin’ special, you know? Adding a third this late in the game? Well, that’ll just throw everything off!”

“You’re forgetting that this isn’t a real marriage, dude,” said Charlie. “It’s not like he’s gonna be moving in and hanging out with us at the bar. It’s still just you and me, man, nothin’s gonna come between us!”

The sleeping figure laying between them stirred, shifted fractionally closer to Charlie, and let out another snore.

“Well. Except for tonight. But I couldn’t let him drive home like that! Just try to go to sleep, it’ll all be fine in the morning.”

Frank grumbled.

 

  

EARLIER THAT NIGHT

 

“So, the ceremony. I’m thinking we can get everything together in a couple of weeks’ time, maybe less. Obviously, we’re having it here. I know, I know, a destination wedding would be more appropriate, but we’re working on a tight budget and schedule and frankly, what better place than the place that brought you two together in the first place? I’m thinking we could get-“

“Not so fast, Mac,” said Dennis with a laugh. Mac’s phone was propped up against the napkin holder at the booth’s table. Charlie sat on one side of the booth and Mac and the Scientist sat on the other. Mac blocked his exit. Both Charlie and Mac nursed beer bottles and pointed their bodies at the phone. The Scientist crossed his arms and stared hard at table.

“You’re thinking too far ahead. What about the evidence? What about the paperwork? We gotta fake two years of this relationship at a minimum before you can start picking flower arrangements and going to cake tastings.”

“That’s a good point,” said Mac. His expression brightened. “That means we’re gonna have to go on some dates, guys. _Lots_ of dates.”

“Not to rain on your parade, Mac,” began Charlie, “but, like, _why_? Last time all Frank and I had to do was sign a novel of paperwork and it was done. I mean, I get that he’s not a citizen or whatever, but why would we have to go to so much extra trouble? It should just be, like, a couple hundred or more signatures, right?”

“Because it’s a felony,” said Mac.

“When have we ever taken _that_ seriously?!”

“You’re right, it’s never once stopped us,” said Dennis. “For a group who gets into as much shit as we do, we really don’t see any heat. But that luck could run out and this would be a really, _really_ bad thing for that luck to run out on. If you two get caught, he’s looking at deportation and you’re looking at-“

“-Five years and $250,000 minimum,” said the Scientist flatly as he stared down the surface of the table, “with the potential for more charges added on. I could also be prosecuted and never allowed to return to this country under any circumstances, not that any of _you_ care.”

“Yeah,” said Dennis, “that.”

“ _Daaaaamn_ ,” said Charlie.

“And that’s why if we’re going to do this, we’ve gotta do it _right_ , which means putting in all the legwork.”

“That’s where I come in,” Mac exclaimed, pointing proudly at himself with both thumbs. “I’ve already got some really great ideas. I’m talking dinners and movies, drinks at the bar, awful couple selfies with those fake mustaches on sticks, long walks at sunset, museum shit, _the works_.”

“I’m not going to be able to get out of this, am I?” The Scientist stared pleadingly between Mac and Charlie.

“Nope,” the three said in unison.

The Scientist sighed, slouched in his seat, and let his head slump back for a moment. He sat in silence, tuning out Charlie, Mac, and Dennis’s chattering. He considered his options: he could try to push, shove, scream, kick, and fight his way out of the bar (and really, that would be the _only_ way he could see himself getting out short of a miracle with this strange, slightly unhinged, curiously _muscular_ or at least strong-looking group of men at the helm). He could resign himself to his fate and fly back home, where his job prospects weren’t looking much better at the moment. He’d feel strange about it not working out, but he could try again in a few months or years.

There was also the second option. The one where he follows through with the crazy plan he’d concocted, the one where he commits a _small, inconsequential_ crime and gets to stay exactly where he wants to be. The absolutely _insane_ option that would involve marrying an odd, filthy, foul-smelling, illiterate idiot of a man. He could place his trust in that same man’s equally insane group of friends to pass them off as legitimate, then be free to go about his business. No risk, no reward or high risk, not-quite-reward-but-at-least-you’ll-still-be-here?

He looked at Charlie. He looked at Mac. He looked at Mac’s beer.

“To hell with it,” he said before stealing Mac’s bottle.

“Hey-!”

The Scientist pounded the beer back. Mac and Charlie stared on in awe. Dennis, who couldn’t see the Scientist from the angle the phone was sitting at, squinted at his phone in confusion. The Scientist slammed the bottle back down on the table, then grabbed Charlie’s beer and finished it in the same manner. Finally realizing what was happening, Dennis let out a surprised “Oh, _shit_.”

“I’ll do it,” said the Scientist, “but I’ll need a _lot_ more beer.”

Mac, Charlie, and Dennis yelled and applauded.   

“Dude, you’re gonna fit in with us _so_ well,” said Mac.

“ _So_ well,” said Charlie. “You heard the man, Mac, get another round!”

Mac bounded up to the bar. When he returned, his arms were full. He balanced three shots of whisky in his hands and three bottles of beer clutched tightly between his arms and chest. He sat everything down and picked up his phone.

“Dennis, I’m gonna have to cut you off for a few. I’ve got an idea.” Before Dennis could say anything, Mac hung up and switched over to his camera.

“We’re gonna take our first picture now. Pose like we’re toasting!”

The three touched their shot glasses together, Mac snapped the picture, and they all slammed them back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [hideo kojima voice] did u like it?
> 
> I sure hope so. This chapter feels shorter to me than it probably actually is. I intended it to be that way, but it went a little differently than I originally thought. While I try really hard to nail these characters, I'll admit that writing Frank gives me trouble and I'm not sure why. The chaotic energies of the toll troll are too powerful for me, I suppose.
> 
> It might take me another couple of weeks to get the next chapter up just depending on my work schedule and/or how the next chapter chooses to lay itself out in my head while I'm planning. I'm in that frustrating phase where I know 1000% for sure where I'm going, but the steps to get there have become as jumbled as a set of pictoral instructions on an Ikea desk.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! It's almost 2 AM and I've been working on this chapter for five straight hours. Logic and reason tells me I should sit on it and go over it again after I've actually gone to sleep before posting it, but do you know what the remnants of my college self are telling me right now? "SUBMIT IT AND QUIT IT, SUBMIT IT AND QUIIIIT IIIIIT." Keeping my goals for this fic in mind, I gotta say, the Ghost of College Past kind of has a point. So this is what you get here at 1:45ish AM on this fine Saturday. I hope you enjoy it. If not, I hope you leave me a pity kudos and have a wonderful day, lol.
> 
> ALSO! I watched 13x01 today ahead of its release schedule thanks to some kind folks willing to upload their stream. I was hoping to finish this fic before S13 so I wouldn't risk contradicting new canon (a thing I Actually Think About for some stupid reason), but that's clearly not going to happen, so I'm probably just going to ignore the events of that season in this fic altogether to the best of my abilities. If I ever rewrite it, that'll be a concern for future me. Fingers crossed that I don't get distracted writing Cindee fic in the meantime and neglect this one!

 

“After the engagement,” Dr. Kelly said to the investigator, “we spent almost all of our time together. As you can see in the pictures.”

The investigator scrolled through Charlie’s phone. She quickly examined and then flicked past pictures of the two at museums, making faces at the camera while walking around, holding hands, laughing. She stopped and squinted hard at a picture of the two in Charlie’s dingy apartment, Dr. Kelly’s head resting on Charlie’s shoulder as they stared blankly ahead at what she assumed was a TV. The image was taken at an odd angle, presumably to try and crop out a mysterious third figure on the battered sofa with them. Whoever it was, she figured, must have been quite short just judging by their single visible leg.

“He basically moved in with me. Like, he even had a toothbrush there. I don’t even have a bathroom you can use!”

At this, the investigator turned her attention to Charlie, tilting her head a little and continuing to squint. “Excuse me?”

“I mean,” Charlie said with a small laugh, “it was like, holy shit guy! We’re not even married yet, calm down slut!”

“ _Charlie_ ,” Dr. Kelly hissed through clenched teeth.

 “Nah but it’s okay. I love him! Shit, I was ready to just run down to the courthouse that night, you know? Screw the wedding! What do we need one of them for? When Frank and I got married, we didn’t need a ceremony.”

The investigator crossed her arms.

“You mean Frank Reynolds?”

“Yeah, man, who else?”

“Your ex-husband, Frank Reynolds, whom I gather still lives with you?”

Charlie scratched the back of his head. “Yeah, I mean, he’s- he’s a roommate! He helps with the bills.”

“And neither of you find that strange? At all?!”

“Nope,” said Charlie. Dr. Kelly shrugged.

“Dr. Kelly, you mean to tell me that you don’t even find it a little… I don’t know, _suspicious_? Annoying, at the least?”

“No,” said Dr. Kelly. “Frank’s not a threat, if that’s what you’re trying to imply. He and Charlie split on amicable terms. And anyway, it just seems practical.”

“Come on. Living with _out_ a roommate? In _THIS_ economy??? Lady, I don’t know who you think you’re talking to here.”

The investigator set Charlie’s phone down on the table, pursing her lips. Charlie elbowed Dr. Kelly and pointed at her.

“This idiot thinks we’ve got _money_ , you hearing this shit?!”

He laughed. The scientist joined him, quite forcibly. _Too_ forcefully. Charlie kicked one of his legs, hoping it wouldn’t be noticed by the investigator. Dr. Kelly abruptly stopped laughing. The investigator was distinctly not amused.

“So, you have a roommate. You live in the same apartment as Charlie’s ex because it saves you money. Alright, I can _almost_ understand that, but the three of you willingly living together in such bad conditions that you don’t even have a working _bathroom_? That doesn’t check out, not at all.”

"Charlie and Frank… you see,” began Dr. Kelly.

“We were living a bachelor’s lifestyle before this guy came along.” Charlie patted Dr. Kelly’s thigh. Dr. Kelly flinched. “It was just us: two guys living wild and free.”

“Yes, and I admit, there is certainly some… allure, to that lifestyle. One of the things I admire most about Charlie is his strong sense of… of… freedom. And identity. He’s absolutely uncompromising in his presentation of that identity. Even if it comes at the cost of, say… good personal hygiene or a clean and… erm… livable apartment. He’s a strong contrast to myself. That’s probably why we get along so well, you see. ‘Opposites attract,’ as they say.”

The investigator stared between the two men in silence, scrutinizing their expressions. Were they lying? When neither of them betrayed so much as an errant twitch, the investigator decided to take a different approach. She leafed through her manilla folder on their case again and pulled out a document.

“Dr. Kelly, this is a copy of your current lease on a separate apartment.”

Dr. Kelly’s eyes opened a little wider and Charlie’s mouth fell open.

“Y-yes, I--“

“You were in the process of negotiating breaking your lease with your landlord. You _very_ suddenly backed out roughly one week before your wedding, apparently on the same day he met your husband for the first time.”

“Oh, yeah, so like--“

“I had to be prepared in case I still had to leave the country,” said Dr. Kelly simultaneously.

“Immigrations, you know? Like, no offense, but you guys are a clusterfuck,” said Charlie.

“I was frankly nervous that it was still going to happen even after the ceremony,” Dr. Kelly quickly added.

“You can’t be too careful,” said Charlie. Their sentences began to bleed together, rising in volume.

“And I think Charlie agrees that his apartment is a little _cramped_.”

“Definitely, dude. It’s a shithole. You seen the pictures.”

“We wanted to be more comfortable.”

“His place is WAY more comfortable and, like, my landlord’s an asshole--”

“We were just exploring our options.”

“Yeah, exploring. Can’t be tied down to one thing, you know?”

“Precisely, freedom!”

“It’s like you said earlier!”

“Like I said earlier!”

"One of my most attractive qualities!”

The investigator waved her hands. “Alright, alright!” She shook her head and sighed. “I’ll come back to that later. Just… continue with your story. Tell me about the time leading up to your wedding.”

“With pleasure,” said Dr. Kelly.

     

          

FOUR MONTHS PREVIOUSLY

 

 

Charlie and the Scientist had been instructed to meet Mac outside of the Ben Franklin museum at 9:00 sharp two mornings after they’d come to an agreement regarding the plan. Neither had followed Mac’s instructions to bring several changes of outfit and instead wore their most plain street clothes. They arrived within moments of each other shortly after the appointed hour. The Scientist clutched a coffee tightly.

“Hey man,” said Charlie.

The Scientist made no reply and instead gave him a single upwards nod. He took a sip of his coffee and came to a stop at Charlie’s side, beginning to scan the horizon for any signs of Mac.

“You feelin any better today?”

“Hm? Oh, yes. Quite.”

“You were sick as shit yesterday morning, dude. Frank and me were a little worried.”

“Yes, Charlie. That’s called a _hangover_. It’s what you call the thing that happens to anyone who _doesn’t_ have a crippling dependence on alcohol when they drink twice their weight.”

“I know what a hangover is. Man, why do you have to be so rude all the time? This is why we call you Mr. Bitch.”

The Scientist closed his eyes, shook his head, and preoccupied his mouth with coffee to keep what he _really_ wanted to say to Charlie about his friends from coming out. The two looked around the courtyard outside of the museum, at the park ranger lazily opening the door to Franklin’s print shop, at people strolling down the sidewalk outside of the area, the sky, _anywhere_ but at each other.

Finally, after what felt like a millennium, Mac appeared. He was carrying a backpack and held his phone in his hand. As soon as he spotted the two standing awkwardly next to each other in front of one of the courtyard displays, he groaned loudly.

“God dammit guys, I told you to bring _costumes_. We’ve gotta sell this! Do you even _want_ this plan to work?!”

Charlie shrugged. “I have like, three outfits tops, dude. You know that.”

 Mac pinched the bridge of his nose. “Whatever! It’s fine. I brought some stuff in my backpack just in case anyway. We’ll just have to stop and grab your _own_ stuff after we finish here. We’ve got a lot of ground to cover, no thanks to you, so we better get in there right now. I’ve got my phone for pictures, but I’m gonna need you both to take some yourselves too. And you’re gonna need to look like you’re into it. You got that? Here, why don’t we practice before we start? Hold hands or something.”

“Is this completely necessary? I think we’re both more than capable of posing,” said the Scientist.

“Yeah, Mac, can’t we just—"

“JUST DO IT,” yelled Mac.

“Fine, fine,” muttered Charlie. The Scientist swallowed and slowly reached out for Charlie. Charlie sheepishly made the connection. The Scientist was instantly surprised by the unexpectedly rough texture of his hand. Charlie, on the other hand, was acutely aware of how unusually cool the Scientist felt. They looked around the courtyard in avoidance again, letting their clasped hands fall slack between them. Mac scrutinized them as if setting up a portrait for display in a gallery.

"Stiff! Completely stiff! You look like you’re being held at gunpoint! What the hell are you doing?” He stepped closer to the two and grabbed their shoulders, pushing them together until they were touching. “You need to stand closer like this.” He stepped back again, appraising his work. “Better! That’s more like it. Hey, try something for me. Try like, whispering something to each other. Something funny.” Mac held up his phone and opened the camera app.

There was a momentary pause, then the Scientist turned his head toward Charlie and asked, “is he always like this?”

“Only when he’s excited,” said Charlie. “He gets extra excited about gay stuff. He’s always _kinda_ been like that, but it’s gotten worse since he came out.”

"And you’ve just dealt with it all this time?!”

“You just get used to it, dude, I don’t know.”

“That must be terrible. I almost pity you.”

Mac snapped a picture.

“Yes! That’s good! Alright, just keep doing that. Let’s get inside.”

 

The first few minutes of their photoshoot were tense. Mac told the two when to take selfies together and how. They narrowly dodged a ranger milling around looking for an excuse to stop and do some interpretation as they quickly bounced from exhibit to exhibit. Things began to lighten up, however, whenever they came upon the glass harmonica.

Mac and the Scientist helped Charlie read and understand the information on what the object even was. The instrument itself was encased in glass, much to Charlie’s disappointment, but the museum had a demo where you could touch the spinning glass bowls of a digital recreation on a tablet to simulate what it would be like to play. Charlie knew what to do instinctively and lost himself playing music.

“Impressive,” said the Scientist over his shoulder. “I wasn’t aware you could actually play anything.”

“Dude, Charlie is _insanely_ good at playing stuff,” said Mac.

“I write music all the time. I wrote a whole _musical_ once,” said Charlie, continuing to tap away at the screen.

“That must’ve been an interesting read. Well, assuming it was legible at all.”

“We actually performed it! Someone probably recorded it and put it online if you want to look it up later.”

“Oh, I know! You should play ‘Dayman’ for Mr. Bitch!”

And so, he tried. The Scientist laughed. It was the first genuine laugh either of the two had ever heard him have. It proved infectious and soon, Mac and Charlie were laughing too.

 

As they roamed the neighborhood afterward, they came upon the Science History Museum.

“Hey,” said Charlie, “we should go in there! Like, for the plan and stuff.”

 “What? No,” said Mac. “We’re on a tight schedule!”

“Yeah but dude, this one _really makes sense_.”

 “Charlie is right,” said the Scientist. “Given my profession, this seems appropriate. Though I can’t imagine it’ll be very interesting to either of you.”

“No! We’re not going in there! That is not romantic!”

The Scientist scoffed. “And Benjamin Franklin was?”

“You know what I think, Mac?” Charlie roughly grabbed the Scientist’s hand again. “WILDCARD, BITCH!” He began to march himself and the Scientist up the stairs and into the building.

“’Wildcard?’” The Scientist chuckled. “I like that.”

Mac shouted after them all the way inside and was immediately kicked out. At a loss for what to do, he reached for his phone and sat down on the steps outside the building. He called Dennis.

Dennis didn’t answer. Mac called again.

“Come on, you stupid bitch!”

On his third try, Dennis finally answered.

“Mac, what do you _want_?”

“God, finally! Dude I’ve been trying to call you. What are you even doing?!”

“It’s seven in the morning. What do you _think_ I was doing?”

“Uh, clearly it’s _ten_ in the morning,” Mac said.

“Not in—”

“Whatever, I don’t have time to argue about time! Look, Charlie and this Bitch guy are absolutely ruining the plan right now. How do I rein them back in?!

“Are they calling off the wedding?”

“No—”

“Are they refusing to fake the photos?”

“No—”

“Are they fighting nonstop? Are they making this unbelievable?”

“No! They actually seem like they’re starting to have _fun_.”

“Well then, what the hell is the problem?!”

“I’m not in control! They don’t care about my plan, they want to do their _own thing_. We can’t have everyone doing their own thing! That’s how plans _fail_! Dude, I’m freaking out. Ever since you left, there’s no sense of order here, there’s no—”

“Yeah, I don’t care. Look, I’m gonna go make sure the baby is still sleeping and go back to bed now. Calm down. Get whatever photos you can and get them to me tonight so I can start working on the wedding website.”

“But Dennis—”

Dennis hung up.

 

Charlie and the Scientist strolled leisurely out the doors nearly an hour and a half later. They smiled, laughed, and chattered to each other. Mac rolled his eyes and stood up again.

“Finally! Jesus Christ.”

“Oh shit,” said Charlie. “You’re still here? We were gone for like, two hours dude. I’d have walked off by now.”

“Did you get any pictures?”

“Yeah! It was actually really cool in there. Mr. Bitch here really knows his shit. He explained all this cool stuff to me about like, the old batteries and machines and shit in there. I didn’t understand half of it! There were some weird paintings in the back too.” He handed his phone to Mac and let him scroll through several photos.

 “We weren’t actually supposed to take any pictures in there,” said the Scientist, “but, well, we weren’t about to let that stop us. Wildcards, as Charlie said.”

“Yes! Wildcards!!”

They took photos of the old machinery. They took photos of each other standing by displays. There was one of Charlie sitting on a bench in front of a giant LCD display showing the elements of the periodic table. The best and most useful, though, in Mac’s opinion, was the set of selfies they took in front of the paintings. They imitated the expressions on the faces of the figures in the artwork, pressed close together in the frame.

“I hate to admit it,” said Mac, “but this is good work. Let’s get a move on. We’ve got at least four more places to hit today before we can wrap this up. Let’s go get you guys a change of clothes and set up a lunch date.”

 

The busy day eventually ended at Penn’s Landing. Mac, exasperated by Charlie and the Scientist’s inadvertent attempts to sabotage his plans at both of their apartments, at lunch, and a trip to the Rocky steps at the art museum, put all of his energy into one last ditch effort at the harbor park. He was going to get one genuinely romantic photo done, by god, or there would be hell to pay.

He led them over to one of the hammocks strung up in the park and simply gestured toward it.

Charlie and the Scientist remained firmly planted in place five feet away.

Mac aggressively gestured toward it again, but they did not budge. He hung his head and sighed.

“Come on, guys. The faster we do this, the faster the first day of shooting is done. We need some romantic shots for the wedding site or no one’s gonna buy this.”

“I don’t know, dude,” said Charlie. “This feels kinda forced to me.”

The Scientist squinted and looked around. “Are we even supposed to be here? Aren’t these hammocks supposed to be reserved?”

“Irrelevant,” said Mac. “And how does this feel forced?”

“Look, if I were on a date here for real, I’d rather be going down the boardwalk. Isn’t that better cheesy date material anyway? On the water, stopping to play the arcade games and shit?”

“We can do that after if you really want. The lighting is perfect right now, okay? This is the _golden hour_. If I don’t get this specific shot of you two in this hammock _right now_ , I’m going to lose the ambiance and we won’t be left with a romantic image of a couple in love. No, we'll just have a couple of jackasses taking up space!”

“Ohh, the _ambiance_! Look at Mr. Photography Smartass over here with his big words and his cell phone! Since when do you even _care_ about any of that shit? This is what I’m talking about! It’s forced. It’s not believable!”

“I’m with Charlie,” said The Scientist. “And anyway, I think we’ve done more than enough for today. Can’t we call it a night? I’m exhausted.”

“UGH!” Mac clenched his fists. “I am TRYING to make this PERFECT for US and YOU AREN’T LETTING IT HAPPEN. THIS COULD BE BEAUTIFUL. WHY AREN’T YOU LETTING IT HAPPEN?! WHY DO YOU WANT TO LEAVE AND RUIN EVERYTHING, DENNIS?!”

“…What?!”

Mac turned around and began to stalk away.

The Scientist looked at Charlie. “Did he just call me _Dennis_?”

“Yeah, he’s been in love with Dennis forever and he’s mad that he left. We all know it, they just don’t want to admit it. Don’t even worry about it,” he said with a dismissive handwave.  “He’ll come around again.”

“I see! He’s projecting his desires onto _us_! That explains why he’s being such an arsehole!”

“Nah, he’s an ass just because he’s Mac. We all hate him. You wanna go play some crappy games since we’re here?”

“You know what? I think I do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this chapter was like wringing my ideas out of a wet dishtowel using pool noodles. The characterization feels all over the place compared to my normal High Standard but.... you know, like I said, I've been working on this puppy since 8PM. Shit happens. I want to get to the goods with this fic and I want to get to em soon.
> 
> Remember when I went on that big long stretch between updates a chapter or two ago? During that time, I actually went to Philly for the first time and did a bunch of touristy shit! Does it show?
> 
> Charlie and the Scientist don't have a whole lot of reasons to like each other as of yet. I think they need to be given a chapter or two to get comfortable with each other; otherwise, how are they gonna be able to pull off their great con and convince inquiring immigration people that they're legit?! The next chapter is likely going to be a continuation of this one since I felt that it was getting a little too long and needed to be split up. After that, it should be time for the actual wedding....
> 
> Until next time!


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